School is constantly in session in the realm of dating and love as we are constantly “testing” our partners. Whether we mean to or do it unintentionally, we put our partners on their toes by actions and words that we say on any given day.
Human nature makes us “test” our partners to see if we have the unspoken chemistry to continue to build a solid relationship.
Early in relationships, when we are feeling each other out to see if we are a good match, we might ask a potential partner a subtle question or observe an action they are performing. We may even observe how they interact around others. These are all “tests” that we give our partners.
Sometimes they pass, sometimes they fail, sometimes we are even willing to give them a do-over.
For me to feel a deep connection with a girl, she has to pass a series of “tests.” These “tests” I give are not always planned, they may even be spur of the moment.
One test in particular that I find myself administering often how she handles compliments. I love to flatter. My flattery is genuine. If I make a compliment, I sincerely mean it. I almost never have a hidden motive. If a girl constantly minimizes my attempts of genuine flattery or mistakes my intent for simply trying to get in her pants, then she failed that test.
I don’t expect girls to be wooed by my genuine words of truth. I may comment on her hair, clothes, shoes, scent or a number of other things that stand out to me at the time. I do this because I am an expressive person. It is harder for me to hold back my the thoughts in my head than it is to be coy and “play the game.”
I do not go in for the cheesy pick-up lines. Even if I wanted to or felt they could work, I am too shy to even try those. Plus I have a little more respect for women than that. (But I will acknowledge that some woman like the cheesy flattering pick up lines. To that I say, “To each, our own.”) Full disclosure, I have tried them once or twice and it didn’t sit well with me, or the girl I was attempting to pick up at the time.
I dated a girl once who looked drop dead stunning with no make up on. I would constantly inform her that I think she looks beautiful in her natural state. The vast majority of the time she would disregard my remarks or pretend not to hear them and then say “I’m not going out in public without make up on.” While this might not be a big deal, it is being graded by me. My rubric is determined if she is willing to accept and apply my compliment to her life. Obviously her responses to my flattery will not make or break our chances together, but coupled with scores from other “tests,” it could be the difference between a successful deep connection, or a brief dating experience.
However, I where she flourished were the few special days where she would parade around the house or out in public with me with no make up on because she knew it drove me wild.
There are other subtle “tests” that I use; planned or unplanned, where something will ignite inside of me to administer a “test” so I can feel a girl out.
Sometimes I will say something unexpected or subtle, such as “what are deal breakers for you in relationships?” While this is an honest question in getting to know a new partner, I am hoping to hear, or not to hear some specific answers. What I hope to hear is that unfaithfulness, dishonesty, disloyalty, betrayal or something along the lines or lack of physical chemistry should be deal breakers. If I hear different responses to that question, I chalk it up to another failed “test.”
While I certainly “test” my partners intentionally and unintentionally at times, I believe women do it much more.
They test us men every day in very small ways and women also tend to weigh heavy on the big “tests” such as anniversaries, birthdays or any special occasions. If us males fail any of these big tests, we usually have a big mess to clean up, or a shattered relationship.
The small tests women give us men are the most challenging. It’s easy to buy a lavish gift for a birthday, anniversary or special occasion/holiday, but it’s the day to day tests that we must be on the look out for.
One girl I particular used to “test” me daily, and to further complicate things, the “answers” would often change. Sometimes she wanted, or signaled to me she wanted to be alone because she had a bad day. The answer to the “test” depended on her mood, and I had to read it correctly to get full credit.
If I felt she wanted a deep emotional connection to take her mind off her troubles, then I needed to perform. However, if she truly wanted to be left alone, I needed to throw my phone under my bed and not contact her until she was ready to face me and the world again. This kind of “testing” was not planned, yet I was assessed all the same. A pop quiz might even be a better analogy. The results were mixed. No relationship is perfect and sometimes we must fail before we truly learn what a girl wants.
Relationships require work and are always evolving through different stages due to how we react to the little and big “tests” we are given by our partner. However, the closer we feel connected to our partner, the better “scores” we will receive at the end of the day. The objective is to unite closer together as a couple and find ways to bond, honor each other’s wants, needs, desires and even sometimes give space when needed.
Practice makes perfect. The best way to pass each “test” is to be aware and beware. Be aware that our partner will sometimes put us under the microscope to see how we interact and perform in certain situations and beware that the “testing” never ceases!
I do believe that these “tests” are healthy for relationships. This is how we really get to know the inner workings of our partner and what is buried beneath the layers of their soul. It isn’t important that we try to pass them all, it’s more important that we be true to ourselves and understand that serve a purpose. The purpose of true compatibility.
Sometimes we get do-overs and sometimes we don’t. Sometimes we need to earn the do-overs. The best we can do is be ourselves during these planned or unplanned “tests.” Be authentic and let the results be authentic in return. That will serve as the best assessment of whether we will pass or fail the course; whether we are meant to be together or we are just temporarily passing through each others lives.
Author: Adam Wilkinson