image The Take me to the Mall or lose me Forever Relationship.

Relationships can be amazing. Sharing your life, your ups, downs and all the surprises we deal with every day. That being said however; they can also really get in the way of things that I like to do.

Personally, I like to be left alone most of the time just to flip through every damn channel on TV. I never find what I’m looking for, but when your significant other says “just pick something,” that’s a declaration of war!

How many times have I sat in malls and different trendy stores for women and watched a girl aimlessly wander around for hours and finally realize they don’t like what that store has to offer. God forbid I do the same with the sacred TV remote.

The answers to these issues (and probably the biggest issues of all time) are the fact that I am a man, I hunt! I never really know what I’m hunting for, but the real housewives of whatever rich suburban nightmare will not be put on in the presence of a true warrior, a television master of the 8th degree!!

Yes relationships can be ruined by just trying to find something to watch on TV. So you do the smart thing and purchase a separate TV for your partner subtly hinting to leave me in piece while I browse thousands of channels that are mostly worthless.

It’s the same concept as the mall and trying on every item of clothing and asking me to incriminate myself with questions such as, “do you like this dress?” Or the dreaded “does this make me look fat?” That is when relationships go from Defcon 1 to holy shit! Or I’ll pull out my pocket Constitution and evoke my 5th Amendment right not to self-incriminate. No answer will work ever and the fact that you now have to pretend you really care about a piece of clothing that all you really want is on the floor somewhere and get to the good part, like what’s underneath the dress!

Relationships are very tricky, the beginning or “honeymoon” period is basically two people who have a mutual attraction to the other, but neither party is actually who they claim or are pretending to be. Let’s not kid ourselves, new relationships start out as an elaborate act to convince the person that, once I get comfortable around, all bets are off. The mall and dress shopping are off the table in about three months, at least for me.

When I need something from the store for example, I know exactly what store, where the item is and try to execute the operation as fast as possible. There is nothing worse than walking around a mall for hours because your partner needed a new pair of shoes, which at the end of the day is a few pair of shoes, some cute outfits and the dreaded Victoria Secret walk through, which is an illusion because they are not after sexy lingerie, they are fighting over any article of clothing on the clearance rack that has the word “pink” plastered all over it.

I have never once asked a girlfriend if something looked cute on me. The truth is that I don’t care what it looks like because I don’t plan on keeping it on for long.

Something that has always confused me as a man is the fact that there is always some reason my partner needs a new dress, shoes, hair and make up for any time we go anywhere.

Is wearing something that you bought just three weeks earlier taboo? I still have a closet full of clothes that I have had since I was in high school! Not that I turn a blind eye to fashion and buying new clothes, but again, I see, I command, I conquer.

So I guess my point at this time is that hunting, preparing for said hunt, and quick flawless execution seems pretty logical for us men. It works for me at least, and if it works for me, it’s bound to work for others.

The only mission I can never accomplish is finding something to watch on TV that my partner and I can agree on. It makes no sense that out of all these different platforms to access movies and TV that most of the time she will still think “there’s nothing on!”

Okay so now we’ve gone through the initial courtship period, spending money we probably don’t have, being super nice and polite. Making sure that the little devil on our shoulder is locked up and the keys been thrown away so the real us hasn’t been exposed and scared the ever-living shit out of each other. 

Then what? Okay we’re impressed.  I like you, you like me, so it’s all good. Nope, because that’s when people let their guard down. This is when you really do feel like you have no idea who this woman we’ve been spending so much time with and feeling like we are slowly dying inside with every trip to the mall. And fellow hunting men, I guarantee that our partner has no idea what kind of weird dumb dumb we really are.

There is this face a woman makes when she’s figured us dumb dumbs out.  When they figure it out, it just dawns on them, that we may not be the charming debonair we claimed to be.

I’ve seen that face a lot. After every time I see it, I still can’t find anything on TV to take my damn mind off of everything I just went through. All I want is a good TV show or a good woman. I mean all I want is a good TV show AND a good woman! Is that too much to ask for?

Author: Chris Reiser

Image: flickr

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