image The Ghosts of past Lovers trapped within My Heart.

True love is beautiful. Those of us who are lucky enough to experience it everyday feel the deep joys and intensity that accompanies the fulfillment of the heart.

Love has opened my eyes to beautiful women and experiences that I never could have dreamed up in my wildest fantasies. Love has also left scars deep within my heart and soul that will never be visible to the eye, but always manifest their existence within me and be felt by those around me by my actions.

It has not happened often, but when I have felt true unconditional love for a woman, it has consumed my entire being. Love became the light of my everyday. It became my motivation and my inspiration for expression. I love so deeply; so intensely which makes harder to avoid the scars when my heart gets broken.

I am a passionate and intimate person by nature. A simple connection based off of physical attraction is not enough for me. I need depth. I need a woman who can open her soul, connect and touch my soul with hers.

Those kind of connections have been rare in my life. I am human and I do have urges and make mistakes. I have settled at times for relationships that lacked a deep connection or lacked a fierce physical passion. However those types of relationships have taught me when and how to appreciate something good when it comes along.

I have felt the burning desire of unconditional love for a woman three times in my life. They didn’t all come one after the other, and the time spent with two of them have come and gone.

Though the time and presence of the previous two are physically gone from my life, the memories of them is still with me. Some days I can still feel their essence and connection inside of me. It will burst out from within me without warning. Once I have felt true love, it never extinguishes.

Let it not be confused with holding on to feelings or desires to be reunited with these past lovers, it is simply a feeling I have inside of me that I can’t ignore or forget. The current love I have for the special woman in my life is pure and unconditional.

Love is a beautiful experience. The space in which we love inside for each of us is infinite. I believe true love never completely leaves our heart. We may let new people inside, but those who have already found their way in our heart never completely leave us. They have secured their place within us because of a bond once shared.

Each time a true love has ended for me, it was a crushing feeling of defeat and a life altering experience. I have had the good fortune when my true loves have ended, they ended on amicable and unique terms. They ended as unique as they began. It is this reason why I personally feel haunted at times.

I have vivid dreams that remind me of them still to this day. Dreams so powerful that when I awaken, I am reminded of all the wonderful experiences of the deep connection I had with that person. Some days it takes a little while to shake the feelings off and return to my present form.

The truth is always the same and it took me a while to accept the reality of my situation. I have loved others, I am deeply in love with another, yet I am reminded of my past and the bonds I have created with other women. 

There are certain places that are so special to me that I have shared amazing experiences around the world with the loves of my life. I dare not dishonor my memory of them by returning to that place with another. These are sacred spots to me. These are places my heart felt a certain kind of deep love and affection for a special and unique person. It can never be repeated or duplicated with another.

It comforts me to know these places remain untarnished and the memories and experiences created in these places are righteous. Each love deserves its own unique places not only within me, but scattered throughout the earth. These are the ghosts or my heart that roam the world seen only by the soul of me the lover who experienced it with me.

Some may disagree. Some may say that love is finite, that once a relationship or a love has ended to shut the door and not look back. “Move forward” are words I constantly read and hear. “Don’t look back.”

I have a different philosophy on love. I believe it is infinite and the most beautiful love is the love that is present and filling our heart in the moment. However, I still respect and honor the others who have managed to touch my heart and change my life by sharing a part and remarkable time of my life with me.

I keep moving forward. I accept new love when it enters my heart. My heart is never closed off. Perhaps this is the reason I am haunted at times. It is because I refuse to give up on love. My entire heart and soul is shared with a person. Once it has been shared, they always have some sort of access to it. An unfortunate side effect of this is that they sometimes activate it without their knowing or trying.

What keeps my heart strong and what keeps the ghosts from haunting me every night is the new love I was blessed to find. The one who I share and unconditional love and understanding with. A love that bring its own unique and special smile to my face. One that grows more and more as each day passes.

So to those who say, “Move forward” and “Never look back” I say, “Live in the present. Love in the present, but never forget what once brought joy to our hearts.” We can have our cake and eat it too.

That’s what finding and building a new love and connection is all about. Sharing intimacy and an understanding of who we are and who we once were. To be accepting of the memory of all those who have come before us, yet to also to continue to grow and focus on the present. To love unconditionally and to fully accept the heart that we give and the one that is given to us by another.

Author: Adam Wilkinson

Image: Courtney Carmody-flickr

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