image Why I find it hard as a Divorcee to Commit and Remarry.

Being married can be an amazing experience in life. It can also be one of the most challenging undertakings for two individuals face. It can be difficult to find a balance between love, lust, partnership or what some consider a monumental business decision.

Marriage isn’t for everyone, as many people married or once married can tell us. We are taught from a young age, both boys and girls, that part of growing up and realizing our dreams is finding that perfect someone that we are going to spend the rest of our lives with, have a family and ride off in to the sunset like an old western film.

Unfortunately when those credits roll, it rarely says “The End” as our hero’s ride off in to the sunset. 

Typically, after the sun fades and the hero’s get off the horse in many marriages, it becomes the beginning of hardship, anger, disillusion and heartache. The question needs to be asked, why then?

Once the final credits have finished and the movie is pulled from the theater, why do so many of us decide that it is time for a sequel. As we all know, sequels are generally never as good as the original, and even worse when the franchise continues beyond the original idea of your first script.

So here we are now at the end of the greatest movie ever made, its over. Now what? Where do we go from here? 

As most of us understand the greatest movies we think we see in current time never seem to stand the test of time, as neither close to half of marriages. Which brings me to these reasons why I, and many other divorcee’s, will never take that monumental ride off in to the sunset that we once thought was the perfect ending.

Please understand, that these ideas are not for everyone, we may or may not agree. There are hopeless romantics in the world and then there are people who are just hopeless. As a divorcee, I can relate to both. I’ll share with you now why many divorcee’s have second thoughts about making that proverbial sequel.

  1. Time. Time is never on our side. Time continues to move whether we want it to or not. As we get older, we begin to wonder, where is all the time? How will I have all the time to do everything I need to do? Where do we find the time to love again? Time proposes us with many questions, and to find the answer to these questions, it may be better to focus our energy on something that is more substantial, something that can be of direct benefit to us.
  2. The Courtship. Courtship requires time. Time as we have already discussed has led to many more questions than answers. Courtship requires us to spend our time pretending to be someone else to impress someone else. Sure we have those moments of truth, but more often than not, we are trying to impress a new person in our life. Most people are not impressed with who we really are when they first meet us. It takes time. Courtship and time are linked in this fashion. Once we have experienced one courtship and placed our heart and soul in to it, it becomes harder for us to open ourselves up again to someone new.
  3. Selfishness. I’m going to lay some harsh on all of us, whether we have been married or not. We are selfish. I am a part of that “We.” That cliche line when we first got divorced was probably something along the lines of “What will I do without you? How will I go on living? I need you!” You know what we call that? Selfishness. We might as well revert back to our mother’s tit because we are acting like a six month year old baby. Our selfishness has been enabled by a partner, and now we are alone, and holy sh*t! Trust me when I say that the selfishness was there before the divorce and will remain long after the divorce. The guilt however does not solely lay within our partner, we take the blame too for buying in to the myth of the sunset ride during the ending credits.
  4. Children. If we were blessed with children in our marriage, who are now a casualty of a broken home, they must absolutely come first. Selfish people who constantly bring in a boyfriend or girlfriend or uncle or someone other person every other couple of months to satisfy their own selfish needy behavior are damaging their children whether they care, know it or not. If mommy and daddy are not together does not mean that mommy and daddy need to revert back to their high school days to become extremely bad role models for their children. My children are the love of my life. I place them above any future woman who may potentially enter my life from here until my final breath.
  5. Focus on ourselves and our responsibilities. The original movie is over. There is no reason to rush off to create an unfulfilling sequel, trilogy or compilation of bad movies just to quell our own personal desires. This is the time to be selfish. This is the time to focus on ourselves for the right reasons. This is the time to make sure our children are secure and happy. It is nice to have someone who is going to be there for you, but if we are the type of person who needs that type of person in our lives than we will continue to write, produce, direct and star in sh*tty sequels. I prefer to focus on my own passions and career to help provide for my family before jumping in to another staring role in a romantic movie that may or may not be a great movie.

People are going to do what people are going to do. My advice, and what has worked best for me is to take our time after a divorce. Whatever path we choose after a divorce, make sure we are the one’s who chose this path; not because of feeling the pressure from our divorced partner, but because it truly is in our own best interest. Put all personal feelings aside and search within ourselves. While time will not stop for us, we can still master our own time by owning up to our responsibilities to our family and our own happiness. 

Author: Chris Reiser

Image: Tony Guyton – flickr


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